The joke voted the best at the recent Edinburgh festival was: “My dad wants me to register as an organ donor. He’s a man after my own heart.”
I’ve heard better, but I suppose I’ve heard worse. But seriously, the heart connection between parent and child is something very deep and special. Blood’s thicker than water, and all that. And many of you will recognise as parents that the change is at the heart of the circle of life.
If things didn’t change, we’d all be still eating Spangles sweets and drinking Cremola foam, as someone said to me recently.
One of the most bitter-sweet times for any parent comes when their child/young adult heads off to university, as I discovered again this week when we left our daughter off at her new accommodation in Belfast. Watching their mixture of nervousness and excitement as they approach what you hope will be a great adventure in this important step in their life, tugs at the parental emotion.
The hardest part is driving back down the road without them, as many parents over the years have found. If you haven’t been through it yet, you’ll find empathy with the Shakespeare line (in a completely different context) parting is such sweet sorrow.
I knew we’d miss her, but didn’t realise just how much. But felt excited for her.
Because as emotional as this change is for the parent, you know it’s the right time for your offspring to fly the nest.
By coincidence, after we left our daughter off on Saturday, I found an interesting daily reading, part of which said this:
God may make you uncomfortable where you are. ‘Like an eagle that stirs up its nest … The Lord … led him’ (Deuteronomy 32:11-12) To teach her children to fly, a mother eagle literally pushes them out of the nest. Talk about being out of your element! Can you imagine what they are thinking? ‘It’s my mother doing this to me.’ But until a baby eagle is forced out of its comfort zone, it doesn’t realise it was born to fly, spread its wings, release its power, and take its place in the heavens.
It’s time for them to soar. You can’t spoon feed them for ever.
It’s not easy, this parenting lark. You want to be their friend, but you can’t expect to be their buddy; if you know what I mean. How many times has a parent laid down the law and felt dreadful because you know at that moment, they’re looking at you as if you’re their worst nightmare? Tough love!
Your natural instinct is you want them to like you, but if they like you all the time there’s something wrong.
You want them to have “things”, but if you hand them everything on a plate they won’t appreciate things and will never know how to work for their own rewards.
You want to protect them, but you know they need to learn their own lessons and make their own mistakes.
You want them to succeed, but putting too much pressure on them is so unfair.
And the pressure that society puts on young people nowadays isn’t getting any easier.
This week, a BBC report highlighted the dangers facing young girls in Northern Ireland from unsavoury older men on the internet. And I read that following a survey, conducted by Ipsos, of young women in Australia, participants reported that online sexual abuse and harassment were becoming a normal part of their everyday interactions.
We also heard of the case of young people as young as 13 being brought to A and E in Derry in a very vulnerable and distressed state after an event; and we know only too well of the dangers of drug and alcohol misuse among very young people.
Then, there’s the pressure of exams. Over the summer, when the GCSE and A level results came out, the media focuses on the happy, smiling children clutching pieces of paper and shrieking with delight. And, indeed, there were many superb results.
But what about those who didn’t do so well? Many of them let down by our education system, surely?
The Impartial’s Rodney Edwards wrote a marvellous piece about his own experience, of how he’d not done well academically but still followed his dream.
We need to realise that our young people are all individuals who need support more now than ever. Peer pressure is nothing new, but the challenges facing our young people seem greater nowadays.
And yet.
I feel our young generation is leading by example; yes, there are (like any generation) the kids who are badly behaved and show a real “attitude”. But there are many more who are grabbing life in a positive way, taking opportunities to travel and study. Or to work for the betterment of others in society, and to think of others more than we ever did, or even do now.
I took a squad of 18 footballers to the Super Cup tournament earlier this year, and they were all brilliantly behaved, mature and respectful. I see many people involved in their church, or non-church organisations, and I see many working hard at school to ensure they have a fulfilling life ahead of them.
Talent, of course, comes in many different forms.
In the new Northern Ireland, we have a budding new generation, and one hopes the politicians (and ourselves) can continue to grow our community to make this a better place for these bright young people. We are only the custodians of this place, and we want a brighter, more balanced generation to hand it on to.
As Saint Paul wrote to the Corinthians: “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.”
For everything, there is a season. This is the season when we let them go and they will soar.