G8 Lough Erne: Thon Lough Erne do is goin' to be an 'ogeous handlin' and 'quare craic'
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A bird's eye view of the Lough Erne Resort which has been chosen to host the G8 summit in June next year.
Come here lads, til I tell ye.
You know, if you are bailing on over to Fermanagh you need to learn how we spake because failure to understand the local lingo will result in you getting yourself into an ogeous handlin', so it will.
Now, most of you poor craters may be used to fierce warm weather (who wants all that sunshine on yer bake anyway?) but in these parts it never stops teaming. So, Yoshihiko Noda, if you wake up at the Lough Erne one morning and look out the window and it is raining, just close the curtains, turn around and say: "Boys, that's a clatty one."
Vladimir Putin, they tell me yer some boy. I don't know what the craic is in Russia but apparently you like your food tested for poison before you eat it, so you do. This is where you, Mr Cameron need to take control and lean across the dinner table and say to yer man: "Japers Vladimir, would you ever catch yourself on." Seriously hi, imagine asking yer boy in Chippy Street to do that for you before buying a thing of battered sausages -- he'd probably throw you across the flure.
And Barack, how's it cuttin'? You won the election, so you did. Good man yourself. Now, if you are bringing the childer with you then you better tell them that thon Lough Erne Resort is a quare place and they'll want for nuthin, so they won't. After all the hashing with the leaders, turn to the weeins and say: "Right cutties, we are going to get a drop of tay and go for a dander." Once you have done the whole family thing and you are as full as a tick lie up in the presidential suite like a brute, put on the telly, and see if you can guess where Frank Mitchell has put his blinkin' weather watching camera. You'll never get it, so you won't.
Here are some other words that might just come in handy:
Well: To be said as a greeting to everyone you meet.
Wee: To be said before everything: "I want a wee drink" or "Give me a wee call".
Bleather: To be used when a member talks too much during the Summit. "He's an awful bleather".
Boys a dear: A sign of exasperation, to be used if talks get tense.
Brutal: Harsh beyond belief.
Codding: Joking. But these are serious discussions with no room for "codding about".
Not a pile: Uneventful.
That's cat: Used to describe something that's not great, usually the weather.
That day would skin a goat: Again, this is about bad weather because we just love talking about the weather.
Take it handy: To wish good luck. This can be said at the end of the talks.
Terra: A situation which was found to be intolerable.
Tonguing: This is not a term of endearment. It best describes a shouting match. "Thon pair were tonguing each other during the meeting".
Buck daft: A moment of sheer madness.
Up the country: Anywhere out of Fermanagh, towards Dungannon.
Yoke: A term to describe any object, like a car. A word that's not usually used for what it was intended.
Whisht: Be quiet. "Vladimir, would you whisht."
Ye buck: You rascal. "Barack, ye buck ye."
I haven't a baldy: An incomprehensible situation. Q: "What do we do about the fiscal policy?" A: "I haven't a baldy".
This article appeared in Impartial Reporter 29 Nov 12