Simple lessons of 2011
Julian's View • Published 29 Dec 2011 09:30
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Well it's nearly over, 2011 has been a year of ups and downs for us all. As 2012 approaches, we all hope for a more prosperous and enjoyable year. I have learned a number of new things this year, the first being, always take a mental note of where you park your car, especially at ASDA. After doing some shopping this year I went out to find my car in the ASDA car park and completely forgot where I parked it. I spent a good ten minutes looking around the car park in the rain before I managed to find it. This is a common problem, especially with men. We tend to forget where we park our cars at supermarkets. I have seen countless men walking around car parks and I can just tell their thinking "where's the car? I'm sure I parked it here, it must have been stolen", then eventually they realise that they actually parked at the other end of the car park.
Another thing I have learned about ASDA and Tesco is never use the self check out. I have used it a number of times in the past and I constantly hear the same thing "please wait for assistance". The problem is not so much that I have to wait for assistance, it's the fact that people are looking at me and thinking "look at that idiot, he's broken the self check out, it's so easy and yet he has managed to mess it up". Another problem with the self check out is, it always says things so loudly, most of the time it shouts at you "unexpected item in the baggage area", and fair enough maybe there is an unexpected item in the baggage area, but the entire store doesn't need to hear about it. Scanning items is another predicament. Quite often you will scan through a few items no problem. Then there's one particular item that won't scan, no matter how many times you try, nothing! Then even more annoyingly after about a minute of trying to scan this item, you accidentally scan it through twice, therefore again you have to ask for assistance, as you do not wish to pay for two of the same item.
All of this I can handle, but the one thing that drives me over the edge is when I leave the store and the alarm goes off. This happens to me on a constant basis. I pay for all of my items, put them all in plastic bag, and as I walk through the automatic doors the alarm goes off full blast. I then have to stop in my tracks, turn around and wait for some security man to walk over and check my bag and receipt. This is extremely embarrassing, having to stand there whilst a security guard checks through your stuff, and people you know are walking past. Quite often you hear them say "Look at him being searched there, he must have stolen something", or some of your mum's friends who are walking past start whispering to each other "look at that, he used to be such a good wee boy, sad to think he's taken to that." All this whilst I stand there with a big red face. It is an odd situation because I have never stolen anything in my life, and as the security guard searches my bag I know its fine because I haven't stolen anything, yet I still get nervous, and of course the more nervous you become, the more suspicious you look. Sometimes I think if this continues I will end up confessing to crimes I didn't commit. It's like going through the metal detector at the airport. You automatically feel nervous, even though you know you have nothing to worry about.
Basically the moral of the story is, don't use the self check out unless you're sure what you're doing. And when paying, always make sure the person at the till has taken off all the tags on your items, in order to prevent the alarm from going off. And one last thing, always park your car near something really obvious, this way you won't lose it.
Obviously I have learned a lot more this year than things related to supermarkets, one is never put a gold rimmed dish in the microwave. The truth is I have never been much of a chef. I rely on others to do the cooking for me. This year I put some food on a gold rimmed plate and popped it in the microwave, I then turned my back for a moment and could hear a crackling noise, I turned around and noticed blue flashes coming from the microwave. Luckily I managed to switch it off at the mains. It took me a few minutes to figure out why this happened; thankfully Google was on hand to educate me. This was not the only incident we had with the microwave this year. That same week mum was on holidays and dad and I had to look after ourselves. One day I arrived home to find all the windows open downstairs in the house. Dad had accidentally put a cornish pasty in the microwave for 20 minutes and forgot about it. The pasty was burned to a crisp, and the microwave had gone partially on fire. Luckily he got it stopped before the entire kitchen was up in flames. The only problem was the smell in the house. Even with all the windows open it still smelled of burned pasty for a couple of days. The moral of the story here is, do not use microwaves unless you are totally sure of what you're doing. The consequences could be lethal.
The final thing I have learned this year is the existence of "man flu". We all laugh and joke about "man flu", however during the summer I learned that according to a study conducted at the University of Queensland, that they confirmed the existence of "man flu" by discovering that pre-menopausal women boasted a far more resilient immune system than men, and asserted that this was due to the biological imperative of women being "more likely to ensure the survival of the species". The claim was further backed up by Cambridge University researchers, who found that evolutionary factors have led to the male system becoming more vulnerable to illness. This being said a 2010 survey by the Office for National Statistics reported on by the BBC World Service, suggested that women call in sick twice as often as men do.
There it is, "man flu" exists. I had a bout of it myself back in November. With help and care of family and friends, not to mention a team of the country's finest doctors, I got through it. For more information on man flu visit www.manflu.info - this is a great website, that explains "man flu" in full detail, and gives women great advice on how they can attend to their husbands, in their dreadful time of need, when "man flu" strikes.
So those are just a few things I have learned this year, and hopefully this time next year I will do another column about what I've learned in 2012. For now though, enjoy whatever your doing for New Year's Eve, have a great night and look after yourselves. Happy New Year one and all.
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