by Sabrina Sweeney 

I have read and listened to many stories over the past week from parents who have lost a child during pregnancy or birth. I have been moved to tears by so many honest and heart-wrenching accounts. 
I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a child at any stage of life; it is inconceivable for those who have never suffered such a loss. But sadly, it’s more common that we imagine. 
It is estimated that one in four pregnancies in the UK ends in miscarriage, defined as a loss of pregnancy up to a gestation of 23 weeks and 6 days. A loss after that is considered stillbirth and in 2016 there were 3,430 stillbirths – that’s nine babies stillborn every day – and 2,136 neonatal deaths.
As part of baby loss awareness week, bereaved parents, along with their families and friends have been coming together, joining with others across the world, to commemorate their babies’ lives. 
The campaign was started 16 years ago and yet the fact remains that in our society, it is really only in the last couple of years that we have started to talk openly about baby loss.
Indeed it remains a subject that few of us feel completely comfortable navigating. I will admit that before I became a mother three years ago, I had conversations with women who lost their baby during pregnancy and I know I didn’t handle those conversations very well. 
Maybe there isn’t a right thing to say, but I recognise now that that I, like so many of us do, shied away from much, if any, conversation. Despite knowing that the phrase “I’m so sorry” was lacking, I refrained from empathising any further or asking questions because I felt I didn’t have the right words, I was afraid of saying too much, of saying the wrong thing, of being insensitive, and most of all I was afraid of upsetting that mother. 
But what I have learned since is that many women – and men – who have said goodbye to a child in pregnancy or during birth, want to talk about the loss. They don’t want you to cross the street to avoid them. Many want you to ask if that baby had a name, or when his or her birthday would have been. Of course, it’s hard to know any of this unless we have the opportunity to have open and transparent conversations about such a sensitive and difficult issue.
Talking about the subject of death is still quite taboo in our society, particularly when it is the death of a baby. But we shouldn’t underestimate the importance of talking about baby loss. Not only does it help those who are grieving, helping them to process what has happened, to stop blaming themselves and feel less alone in what can be an emotional and physical rollercoaster, it also gives us all the opportunity to develop the tools and language to discuss this emotive subject with greater understanding, helping to normalise something that is common - and indeed normal - but not talked about enough.
It’s ironic and perhaps a cruel reality of social norms that women are encouraged not to tell people about pregnancy until after the first trimester when sickness abates and the risk of miscarriage is greatly reduced. Surely the early stage is when pregnant women need compassion and understanding. The expectation to remain silent during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy means many couples faced with loss are left to grieve without the support that they need. After all, it doesn’t matter whether the loss of a baby is at eight weeks gestation or 23 weeks, the trauma felt by those who loved and wanted each child are the same. They had imagined their new family; they had probably considered whether that baby was a boy or a girl and all sorts of other exciting plans. 
The loss of any baby during pregnancy is no less real than the loss of a loved one who has had a full life. Nor is the grief, so let’s stop pretending it is.