A local woman has bravely spoken about her experience of being subjected to coercive control and domestic violence in a long-term relationship and how she believes leaving her abusive partner may have saved her life.

Speaking to The Impartial Reporter, Sharon (not her real name) outlined how the domestic abuse began subtly as coercive control perpetrated by her husband, Brian (not his real name) which progressed into physical abuse, resulting in her fearing for her life.

By sharing her experience, she hopes to encourage others in similar situations to hers to seek help.

Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used by a perpetrator to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.

Sharon first started dating Brian, a farmer, when she was in her mid-twenties.

“With his behaviour at the beginning, I used to think, ‘Aww, he loves me’, because he didn’t want me to go to the bar to get a drink, or he didn’t want particular men to talk to me, and I took that as a sign he just cared about me.

“I loved everything about him. I’d never felt love like that before – but there was doubts in my mind,” she said, now aware that these was the first signs of coercive control in their relationship.

After a long time together, Sharon and Brian got married.

‘Weird’

“On my wedding day, he didn’t tell me I was pretty or beautiful – all I got was, ‘Don’t you show me up on that day – you make sure you turn up’, and ‘You make sure your dress looks nice’. I thought that was weird.

“After we got our photographs taken, he never came near me for the rest of that day,” she said.

When Sharon moved into Brian’s farmhouse, she explained that the controlling behaviour intensified.

“He was stubborn, telling me who I could and couldn’t talk to. Then he showed me the ropes on the farm,” she said, explaining that even though she had a degree and had planned to work “to put money on the table”, he expected her to do manual labour on the farm, whilst also fulfilling the role of a housewife, cleaning and providing meals – all while she was dealing with diagnoses of debilitating illnesses.

“I was diagnosed with a serious illness when I was married, so I shouldn’t have been doing even fraction of the stuff I was doing,” she said, detailing some of the impact of her illness.

However, despite her illness, she claimed that Brian still expected her to carry heavy buckets of meal, and thought it was funny if she fell over.

Over the years of their marriage, Sharon claims that Brian verbally abused her and even controlled how much she ate through portion sizing and making her weigh herself weekly. “He’s given me an unhealthy attitude towards food, even now,” she added.

She claims that as time went on, Brian became physically abusive towards her. “He would always be behind me and he knew that my mobility was terrible, so he’d push me.

“[One time] I broke my nose falling over. When he pushed me the very last time, he broke my sternum and four ribs. I hit the wall first, which cut my head, and then I fell on the ground because he pushed me two times.

“First, I kind of steadied myself, and then he said, ‘You haven’t effin’ fallen hard enough’, and that’s when he did the real damage,” she told this newspaper.

After a situation that left her fearing for her life, Sharon made the decision to leave Brian, who she had been with for more than 20 years.

Detailing a particularly aggressive confrontation initiated by Brian, she said: “He was that close to me that he was spitting in my face, because he was so angry.

“Then my carer walked through the door, and said to me that I looked like a rabbit caught in headlights. I left that morning,” said Sharon, adding: “I had what I call ‘runaway money’, and I left the house with a pair of pants, a T-shirt, socks and slippers and a bag of medication.”

Hospital

Sharon ended up in hospital shortly after leaving her home.

“I was so ill when I left him that I spent many weeks in the hospital, and I was homeless, totally homeless. I had nothing,” she said, going on to explain that she received support from a friend and other services.

Sharon also received help from her social worker, who then put her in contact with Women’s Aid.

“Women’s Aid calmed me down, and they also gently made me feel that what I had done was right, and that what he had done was wrong – that he had no right to speak to me or abuse me verbally or physically.

“That gave me self belief. It took a long time for me to come around to thinking that way.

“Then they put me in contact with a psychologist, and he was absolutely brilliant,” she said.

After making a statement to the police, and with the assistance of her solicitor, via a judge in court, Sharon was granted a non-molestation order against Brian for 14 months.

Now, some 18 months on, Sharon is happy, having regained a sense of control over her own life.

Advice

When asked what advice she would give to someone in a similar situation as she went through, she said: “I’d say to them, ‘Get out’.

“There’s help there, and grab it with both hands.

“Even with your eyes shut, just go forward. I know it’s scary, but it’s scarier to stay.

“There’re so many people that will help you on your journey, and it will be a journey that will most probably save your life, because I know that if I had stayed, I would be dead now. I was that sick, when I left him.

“I’m a survivor now, not a victim. The main thing is that I’m no longer a victim – I’m a survivor,” she told this newspaper.

If you are in need of information and support, please use the 24 hour helpline, managed by NEXUS and contactable on 08088021414, the following link: https://dsahelpline.orh

For Women's Aid services across NI, the link is https://www.womensaidni.org/get-help/local-groups/

Direct support from Fermanagh Womens Aid can be found on 02866328898 or https://fermanaghwomensaid.com or @womensaid.org.uk, or contact a local domestic abuse service by using Women’s Aid’s Domestic Abuse Directory (www.womensaid.org. uk/domestic-abuse- directory).

If you are in immediate danger, please call 999.