Lisnaskea-born Jesuit priest Brendan McManus was “half living” when he decided to tackle the Camino de Santiago; an 800km pilgrimage route through northern Spain.

“Excruciating” grief following the death of his brother by suicide had led Brendan to levels of despair he had never before experienced. In the years following his brother Donal’s death, Brendan found himself teaching about hope and love, but inwardly feeling bereft and abandoned. He recalls beginning a sermon by admitting that he felt like “a fraud” and that his faith “was hanging by a thread”.

It was in 2011, six years after his brother’s death, that Brendan decided to embark on the Camino. From Carrickmacusker, Lisnaskea, Brendan is a son of Kathleen and the late Denis McManus. He has recently written a powerful book about his experience of walking the Camino and finding “release from a burden”. ‘Redemption Road: Grieving on the Camino’ is a moving account of the struggle for recovery from his brother’s death by suicide.

He tells The Impartial Reporter: “I had been for counselling with a suicide support group but there was still something missing. I was only half living.” He watched a movie called ‘The Way’, starring Martin Sheen and his son Emilio Estevez and that cemented his resolve to undertake the Camino. He decided to walk the quiet northern route (Camino del Norte) and to lay his brother’s Barcelona FC jersey on the altar of the Cathedral de Santiago on behalf of the family. Brendan also decided to raise money for Dublin-based suicide support group Console. A keen hiker, Brendan’s love of pilgrimage emerged during his Jesuit training where he and a companion begged their way across northern Spain in 1993 As well as outlining the practical day-to-day challenges and encounters that he faced along the Camino (e.g. eating, injuries and finding a place to sleep), Brendan’s book takes the reader inside his head and his heart. He writes candidly about his thoughts and feelings towards his brother, towards God and towards suicide.

“I felt that I had failed Donal by not being vigilant enough and had missed some key warning signs,” he writes. “The grief process after suicide was terrifying, unlike any other. There was a shocking brutality to the manner of his death. I was left with unanswered questions; why? What did I do wrong?” Writing about his brother’s depression, he reveals: “I could feel [Donal] slipping away, and, like the rest of my family, I was powerless to help. As someone whose job it is to help people it was particularly excruciating to be subjected to a slow, protracted freeze out and to watch someone I loved so much disintegrate before my eyes.” Brendan also describes how his brother appeared to be in good spirits in the weeks before his death, leading the family to believe he was on the mend. “But instead of recovery this was a rather common warning sign of imminent suicide that should have set off alarm bells. I so much wanted to believe that the tide was turning and that rescue was imminent. I misread the signs and reaped a harvest of regret,” he writes.

Asked if this was a well-known fact about suicide, Brendan explains that he first heard about it in a book called ‘A Special Scar’ by Alison Wertheimer. He has since heard various health professionals explain that this seemingly hopeful behaviour can be a sign that the person has made a decision to end their life. “It’s frustrating but it’s good to know that there is a pattern,” Brendan comments.

Stigma around suicide is rife, Brendan points out. After his brother’s death, Brendan’s sister asked him: “Is my brother in hell?” As a priest, he felt a real burden to find an answer. “As a Jesuit, I was able to get quite a bit of theological sources and books on it.” Of particular comfort was the New Catechism of the Catholic Church which states: “Grave psychological disturbances, anguish, or grave fear … can diminish the responsibility of the one committing suicide. We should not despair of the eternal salvation of the persons who have taken their own lives.” During his Camino journey, Brendan came to the conclusion that his brother was “with God in the hope of the resurrection.” He wrote: “It was the thought of Donal in the light of God’s presence that brought a lump to my throat.” Counselling and support is essential in dealing with the grief brought on by suicide, Brendan states. “It might be best to wait for one or two years because you will have a sense that you’re ready for it; those first few years you’re in such shock.” In ‘Redemption Road’, he writes about his experience of Console and the hope that progress can be made: “The stories people unleashed were savage and excruciating. There were tears and regrets and immeasurable heartache. We couldn’t save anyone, but the bonds of solidarity were such that we could survive the worst ravages together. Most important was realising that there was a profound healing process [meaning that people could] manage to get by.” The book finishes with Brendan walking to Finisterre (which means ‘the end of the world’) where he stumbled on another pilgrim ritual of burning your clothes at the end of the Camino. Brendan describes his agonising decision to burn his brother’s Barcelona FC jersey, the heart-wrenching sobs that followed, and the final transformation of his grief.

Asked if he still lives by the lessons he learnt on the Camino, Brendan replies: “The main thing that has stayed with me is that I was released from a burden that day in Finisterre and that sense of release has stayed with me to this day. I remain grateful for the kindness of others and appreciate being alive.” Brendan McManus SJ is now based in Belfast, giving retreats and guidance, and remains involved with Console. The royalties from the sale of his book will be donated to that charity.

Redemption Road has just been published by Orpen Press and will be launched in McBrien’s Newsagents, Lisnaskea on Saturday, September 20 at 12 noon.